M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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