I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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