If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Randomize
