If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
sex in a hospital.. check
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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