whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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