no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I haven't been this sober since birth.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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