So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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