I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
