So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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