Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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