If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
