you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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