If i come over, it means nothing
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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