when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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