I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
