So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Randomize
