Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I can't turn off my feet"
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
