id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
