Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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