dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
