if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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