i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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