She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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