There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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