apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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