I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
