And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
