Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
