just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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