i think my mom watched the whole time
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
