Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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