Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
