My sheets look like a crime scene.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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