There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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