just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
