Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Randomize
