You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
