Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
