We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
