My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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