Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
