When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
