Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
