His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
