i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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