I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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