we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I love how my cats smell like pot.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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