I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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