i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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