Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
