there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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