I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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