I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
