I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
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