there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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