What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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