nut hugger
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
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