dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
