how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize