If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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