Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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