Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
