i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
