I accidentally burped into my bong.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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