I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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