found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
