I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
