drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
