I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
