Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Randomize