I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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