Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
