he wants to bone in the snuggie
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
