i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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